Guilt by Association
I get so flattered when people associate me with certain reality shows or fast foods, you know? It makes me feel like I’m really part of something bigger than myself…
“Last weekend I felt really lazy, so I stayed home and watched a ‘Dance Moms’ marathon and thought of you.”
“Wait — did someone just say that they feel uncomfortable around elephants?” (no) “Oh, because that just sounds like something Carrie would say.”
Mom’s Suitcase Rejects
I’m back from North Carolina! (Did you miss me?) I had a really great weekend, full of reunions with long-lost family members and ill-advised interstate meals — everything that a good road trip should be. Oh, and I got to hang out with my parents before they headed back home.
Which brings me to my favorite part of the weekend.
You know, that part where your mom needs to keep her suitcase under 50 pounds, but buys lots of stuff and ends up leaving you with travel-sized bottles of products you don’t even use regular-sized bottles of?…
Mom’s Suitcase Rejects
- A full package of the new (terrible) Oreo flavor, “Rainbow Sherbet,” because she ‘just wanted to try one!’
- The diffuser attachment to her new hair dryer, but not the actual hair dryer itself
- A gallon-sized Ziploc with half-eaten bags of airplane pretzels
- Speaking of airplanes — a thin, red fleece blanket I can only assume was ‘borrowed’ from the Delta Corporation
- Two hotel-ice-bucket-bags full of travel-sized toiletries, including several un-labeled concoctions with the consistency of sunscreen
- Five bananas in varying stages of decay
A Brother’s Birthday
So, it’s this guy’s birthday today…
So far, the worst thing he’s done to me is push my imaginary friend, ‘Dohdi,’ out of the car door at a stoplight when I was five. I guess I’m willing to forgive him, as long as he admits that it was wrong, and he’ll never do it again.
Happy Birthday Jamie!
Carrie and Dohdi
A Letter to My Goddaughter, Age 4 Months
My best friend Alicia recently had a beautiful baby girl, who, despite my pleading, was not named ”Ouagadougou” or “Racecar,” but rather “Eleanor.” I guess there’s always next time.
I’d like to start teaching Baby E some important life lessons now, while she’s too young to question anything I say. I feel that these lessons will help her develop into the stoic, rational, and sensible person I myself have become…
A Letter to my Goddaughter, Age 4 Months
My Dearest Eleanor,
There are a lot of life lessons I hope to impart in the coming years, but none as important as this: “beer before liquor, never been sicker” is real.
Be suspicious when a property management company tells you that a particular studio apartment is “basically like a 1-bedroom.” They’re lying. If you had a 1-bedroom, you’d be able to entertain guests comfortably without someone’s shoes touching your pillow.
Making everything from scratch seems neat, but wouldn’t you rather just buy a box of dry pasta from the store?
Any product that claims to be “0% of the fat, but 100% of the flavor” is complete crap. Nothing without fat is as good as its fatty alternative. Well, except for spray butter. That stuff is awesome.
Never, ever go to grad school. Just kidding. Go to grad school, then question why you chose that particular field of study, then think longingly about all the other ways you could have spent $100,000, then go to law school.
Oral health is extremely important. But ignore the insurance company when they tell you that your plan doesn’t include dental. It does. They just want you to spend an extra $11 per pay period on additional dental coverage that you’ll never need — unless you eat a lot of Laughy Taffy. Or Sour Patch Kids. Oooo, or Jolly Ranchers. Ok fine, buy the extra $11 worth of dental.
Some people just fundamentally do not know how to share a sidewalk, and no amount of glaring or exasperated sighing will change that.
Generic ‘Diet Cola” is a busted double of Diet Coke. And generic earbuds will fall apart after, like, 10 uses. But generic Advil? Every bit as good as real Advil.
When your birthday falls on a Saturday, it can feel like a lot of pressure. So, embrace it by forcing everyone to go to that learn-to-line-dance class you’ve been wanting to try.
If the cable repair person arrives four hours late for your scheduled appointment, don’t take your anger out on him/her. Instead, call the cable company’s 1-800 number and threaten to switch to their ‘competitor’ without naming who that particular ‘competitor’ is, even if there is no ‘competitor’ in your area. Just sound confident and forceful, and demand a plan that is $20 less, before taxes. It will never work, but you’ll feel better knowing you tried.
Photo Essay: Things You’ll Find at a Florida Flea Market
Reflections on 98 Years
My grandmother passed away on Saturday, December 17, 2011. She was 98 years old, which means that she was also: one Great Depression, two World Wars, and 17 U.S. Presidents old. Below is something I wrote for, about, and because of her.